On hope

Sorry y'all, I had to. I know it's cheesy and makes you want to barf but come on. Who doesn't love Chuck and Blair?
Sorry y’all, I had to. I know it’s cheesy and makes you want to barf but come on. Who doesn’t love them?

Here’s the issue with posting one fear that I’ve encountered this week. I’m not necessarily sure they should be considered fears. Maybe struggle would be a better word. So, we’re changing it to one struggle a week. It will accomplish the same goal I think.

So, this weeks struggle (obviously) was the aftermath of what was my boyfriend and I breaking up. I’ve honestly tried to write this post three times now because I feel like I just sound whiney the whole time. I’m not trying to be whiney. Honestly, that’s the very last thing I want because I’m trying to be a mature adult about all of this. Breakups happen and this one was especially amicable.

The issue and the struggle though, truly is what happened after. It’s not the moment when I asked if we needed to take a break or the moment when he said “I think so.” It’s all the moments after. It’s the moments where all I want to do is call my best friend and tell him the exciting or awful thing that happened to me. Instead, I’ve been bugging my mom and friends multiple times a day. They’re not as okay with numerous phone calls each day (even if they’re only a minute long). It’s the moment when there’s a husky at the dog park and I just want to snap a picture and send it to him.

It’s all the moments in between that defined our relationship and honestly, these past couple days have been a struggle.

Want to know why? I was so dead set on being strong and powerful and only focusing on all the things that I could do now that I’m single: go on random dates, get a job wherever I want after graduation, make plans for a weekend vacation without feeling the need to consult him first. I was so dead set on living without hope because hoping that we would get back together felt pathetic to me. I felt that until I realized how silly that is. We all cope differently. If that’s what I need to feel better and then one day be able to abandon that hope, why is that such a bad thing?

I look back to past relationships and I’m pretty sure after the first time I watched Gossip Girl every relationship that ended had the hope that we would “Blair and Chuck it.” I can live with that hope until one day I no longer need it. Then I live alone until I found Louis (sans the whole crazy I’m going to divorce you on my terms thing). So not only is the struggle with the lack of relationship but it’s within my own brain and my mandate of how I’m supposed to feel.

We all cope differently. You may eat ice cream, you may throw yourself into work or school, you may cry into your pillow or you may do a combination of those things. The fact of the matter is that as long as you’re not harming yourself or anyone else it doesn’t matter how you’re getting over whatever it is you’re getting over. You can do it. I can do it. If that means I’m thinking we’re going to meet again 10 years down the road both successful in Philly, then so be it. I’m pretty sure I won’t even remember 10 years down the road when I expected it to happen. I can do this.

Chuck & Blair. (Check out the original blog this came from. I think this is a great testament to why my hope exists and why it’s not bad).
The weirdest love ever. And what I think is awesome, is that they prove to this generation, that true love exists. They are the proof that love is not easy, and that people have to overcome multiple obstacles in life to make a relationship work. It is not smooth sailing like the Disney movies (even though we all want that). Prince Charming is not always the perfect human being. But what really matters is love. And love can overcome multiple obstacles. You just have to be willing to work for it.”

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