There’s nothing like some unbridled emotion to fuel a blog post, huh. I’m going to let this one simmer for a little while before I post it though. I want to make sure it’s what I want to post and I don’t hurt anyone because that’s not what I’m about to do.
So, tonight (the night that I’m first writing this) my boyfriend and I broke up. I’m not sure if I broke up with him or he broke up with me. I asked if that’s what he needed and he said he thought so. Then he told me he still loved me and I got mad. I told him I was done and for future reference don’t ever use the word forever with a future girl unless you’re sure. (That probably wasn’t fair because he’s not the type of person to say something he doesn’t mean. He just said what he was feeling in the moment and things changed. That’s not his fault). Then I told him never to contact me again and we parted ways. (Again, probably not fair on my part but we say what we say). Oh, also somewhere in there he told me he couldn’t “emotionally support me” right now (I think that’s where it all started) and he had a lot going on inside of his head and that I was taking this all out of context. Either way, we come to here. I’m sitting in my bed having cried my eyes out on the phone to my mom. I talked about how mad I was that he couldn’t even tell me he wanted to break up straight out. I laughed that it’s probably a good thing I’m not home because who knows what I would have done to him and I told her how much I wanted to be at home because being here is lonely. Especially when I just lost one of my best friends.
That’s the other thing that hurts. Not only was he my boyfriend, but he was my best friend. While planning our future life together I wasn’t just excited to have a life together, but I wasn’t just excited to have man by my side, but my partner who understood why the little things made me so excited and who wanted to see the same things as me. So, tonight my boyfriend and I not only broke up but my best friend and I broke up.
Now, here’s my issue with females today and I think the real reason I’m writing all of this. It’s easy, after a relationship ends, to be mad at the guy. It’s easy to say these hurtful things and tell them you hate them and hope they…get deported…(not that I said that or anything) but the fact of the matter is if you were in a relationship that you didn’t feel good about being in anymore, so you ended it (without cheating or lying or any of that) would you really want the other person to hate you? On the other side, would you want the other person to lead you on and keep saying they wanted to be with you when in reality they were no longer enjoying the relationship? It’s understandable to hurt. It’s understandable to be a little angry but don’t hate the other person. They’re just doing what’s best for them and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Here’s something I’ve learned from relationships that don’t work out. When envisioning the future there was always something I had to change about my dreams to fit mine with the other person’s. I always tell myself, “Well, you compromise when you’re in a relationship,” but I don’t think those compromises are supposed to come from something that is so central to who you are. For me, it was the desire to live abroad as a journalist. I started thinking I could stay in Houston and be a journalist my whole life and live only miles from where I grew up. If you know me, you know that’s not who I am. You know I’m adventurous and I want to explore the world, not be confined to where I live based on what jobs would work best for him. On top of that, he had gotten to a point in his life where he was kind of going around in circles without a plan. Oftentimes, a relationship is the worst thing for a state like that. As a result, I’m happy he’s going to have the opportunity to find his dreams too and fulfill them. He, and I, deserve that. Honestly, I’m excited to see where this will take me.
With all of that said though, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. You might be reading this and think, “Well, she’s in the denial stage.” Nope. I just know being angry isn’t going to get me anywhere. Sure hurting stinks, but it’s less debilitating than anger or hate or spite. So, my best friend would probably be able to tell you the season and episode this scene comes from (she just watches specific GG episodes over and over again, I just watch all the seasons over and over again) but do you remember one time when Blair and Chuck broke up and she tried to kiss another boy and pretend like she was okay? Then she finally came home and took back the box of stuff she wanted Dorota to burn because she realized that she and Chuck had a great love and while it hurt that doesn’t mean to just keep going? Well, that’s a great lesson to learn. I made a box. While I’m not ready to read all the letters I wrote to one day give to him as a present on our wedding day one day I will. I will be able to look back with fond memories instead of crying my eyes out.
I’m lucky to have a great mom and three amazing best friends (four because my mom is one of them too) to have my back on this and be there for me. I let them know, made my box, changed social media and changed my Netflix password. It is time to start the process of healing and I’m ready to see where this new world takes me. Please don’t say you’re sorry in the comments. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. It’s going to be okay. I just have to get there.
We’re a little over six weeks out (I know, I didn’t realize it had been that long. Maybe I did my math wrong) and I want to post this. I want to post this because I think I had something to say back then. I also want to post this because I finally feel like I’m coming to the end of this. The night we broke up I looked it up on the Internet and the Internet said 11 weeks was the magic number. In 11 weeks I was supposed to start feeling the good things after the relationship. Well, that took maybe 3 or 4 days because I have some phenomenal people by my side. I want to post this, however, because I finally feel like I’m ready to shut the door. I’m ready to stop looking back because I’m happy and motivated and healthy and ready to conquer whatever this world throws at me. I want to post this to show the girl that’s desperatley looking for answers that knows in her head it gets better but can’t feel it that it’s a cycle but one day you feel awful and the next you look up and six weeks have passed and you feel…fine.
I’m on to the next thing world. Notice I didn’t say boy, but thing. I’m ready to focus on grades, my job, Miller Girls and applying for jobs and internships. I’m ready to save money for my future and plan how I’m going to decorate my life after graduation. I’m so ready and so pumped. It’s going to be good y’all.