Emptiness

Days like today are hard for me. They’re hard because I just don’t care. They’re hard because I feel empty. They’re hard because I just want to cry tears of anger and frustration. They’re hard because I’m a broken record and I’m so tired of being the girl who just can’t handle it. They’re hard because I want to pull the covers over my head and hide from the whole entire world.

I just want to go home. I want to go home and be with my mom and my dad and my brothers, sister-in-law and niece and nephew. I want to be with the people who raised me – the people who get the way I respond and get that it’s who I am. I want to be with the people who are more like me than less. I want to be around the people who make me feel better about myself than worse.

They say that misery loves company. If you’re miserable, don’t hang out with other miserable people. If your experiences are like mine they’re just going to make you feel worse about yourself than better.

Here’s the deal: mental health issues are a real thing. I’m so tired of feeling like I need to apologize for myself. I’m so tired of no longer being passionate about the things I have always been passionate about because I don’t feel like I can do it. I’m tired of being terrified of everything.

Here’s the other deal, though. I am a child of The King. I have a father in Heaven (as well as a father on Earth) who loves me more than I can ever imagine and who sees the best in me. I am a child of the “God of Angel Armies” and nothing, nothing can stand against me. So, on days like today I struggle, but try to look for joy. Joy, like grace, is a gift given by God and nothing I can do or not do will change that gift from him.

So, if you’re feeling this emptiness, fill it with Christ. Fill it with the love of someone whose love is so immense it’s unimaginable.

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
-Romans 15:13-

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