This is going to sound dumb. So, let me just remind you that this is a judgement-free space and I need you to hold your judgement.
So last night I called my ex. Not the ex from February, but the one from a year ago today. It’s not SO pathetic because he tells me he loves me and he’s trying to be better for me about once a month (so I’m not the only one stuck). So, here’s what I said…on the message…because obviously he didn’t pick up.
“Hey, you cleared out your messages. That’s cool. What are you always so busy doing? Maybe you got a girl pregnant and you’re busy taking care of your child. Maybe you moved back to Kenya and didn’t tell me. Maybe you’ve joined the circus and you work weird hours. I don’t know. I miss you. and it makes me sad that you don’t pick up. But you get used to it… Okay, bye.”
I should be over this by now. I shouldn’t still be caught up in what could have been. I would be over this if he would just leave me alone. I can’t tell him never to contact me again because that would hurt to much, however, there’s a part of me that wishes he never would.
He says he’s trying to fix his life so we can be together but he’s barely doing anything. He’s barely doing anything and I’m doomed to continue along wondering if I’m supposed to wait because I don’t want to deal with ten years down the road having him come crawling back when I’m in a happy marriage because I wouldn’t know how to deal with that.
I’m tired of living in fear of getting in a new relationship because I don’t want to ruin the new one as well when one night he decides to drown his sorrows in a bottle of Hennessy and call me like nothing is wrong. Call me and tell me he loves me and ask if he can fly to wherever I am because he needs to see me.
I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t allow my heart to be taken by someone who doesn’t take care of it and doesn’t deserve it anymore. I can’t keep doing things that make me ask myself why I’m so broken because I’m not. I’m not broken and there’s nothing wrong with me and I shouldn’t be with anyone that makes me feel this way.