Hey guys! I did something major tonight while I’m writing this post! I finally chose.
What does that mean you may ask?
When I was visiting my very best friends in Lubbock in October, we were talking about the man I’m in love with that I’m basically convinced I’m going to marry. One of my friends asked me if I think I’m going to marry him why do I keep dating or talking to other men. If we’re apart to get each other to where we need to be, why is some of my time spent hanging out with other men? My reply? Because I didn’t want to get to 35 and realize it’s not going to work out and be all alone and sad.
She said that I needed to, once and for all, decide if I’m going to be his ride-or-die and be here no matter what or I need to cut him loose and move on myself.
Tonight, I chose.
No, let me tell you first that choosing to be his girl doesn’t mean I’m going to sit around and be pathetic and wait for him. It also doesn’t mean that I’m putting him before God or work or myself or future education goals or anything. It just means I’m going to stop actively trying to fill that hole. I’m going to just do me and be here for him and be ready when the time comes.
Here’s the deal though. I’m not ready either. I tell people that if he were to propose right here and right now I would probably say yes (I totally would) but it wouldn’t be good for me.
I need to be financially stable, I need to be stable in my career and I really need to spend some time hanging with me and being comfortable with me before I get another security blanket.
So, this time is just as much for me as it is him.
With that said, I have now cut ties with any prospects (which is funny because at this point there are none) and any new ways to get prospects. I am focused on me and my career and God and time will happen whenever it happens.
I also reserve the right to change this, BUT if I change away from this decision, I can’t come back.
I’m honestly relieved, and I think that helps me know that at least in this moment this is the right decision for me.
I don’t need to be actively looking for anyone and honestly? The relationship that I had was like cavier and I need to stop trying to force it with other people that I know our relationship is catfish.
So, I’m stoked. I’m stoked to be alone and I’m stoked to have a future with him (he thinks so too).
Oh, that’s the other thing. I was the only one of us still dating. He wasn’t. He wasn’t/isn’t dating or “talking” to other girls.
Sooooo, ya! That’s my big news. I chose!