So, I don’t often do stories from my life, but I’ve been enjoying other bloggers’ stories so much lately I decided I may start to tell some of my own.
This is about that time I killed a spider (I promise it’s funnier than it sounds).
So, I am terrified of spiders that could crawl on me. I’m totally fine if there’s no possibility that he and I could have an interaction and have let a couple spiders (little ones) in my apartment live because I know they eat more annoying bugs. Also, it’s cold and I am providing a little warmth for them. What I do NOT do well with is giant spiders that crawl fast and are in a place that I regularly go.
Like my bathtub.
So I was walking around my apartment minding my own businesses after just hugging my parents good night when I walked into my bathroom and stumbled across the biggest spider I’ve ever seen roaming free in a house before. He was just chilling the far side of my bathtub like he owned the place.
So, while I would never have let this spider live because he was too giant, I had to do something about him immediately because I wanted to take a shower and like the Girl Scout song goes, no two buddies in one bed (or shower).
However, the longer I stood there sizing him up and trying to figure out what I (as an adult) was supposed to do – and secretly hoping my mom got my text and was on her way back from the hotel to rescue me – he just kept chilling in the bathtub and not moving.
So I decided to figure out what in the world this spider was before he met his demise. I needed to know if I had deadly spiders in my house because that would have been a problem.
So after googling house spiders and comparing the pictures I decided it was a brown recluse because everyone wants to believe what they’re experiencing is the worst thing in the world, right? Then I found out brown recluses don’t live in Washington. So then I contemplated trapping him in some sort of cup so the people who analyze those sorts of things could analyze him and learn there are brown recluses in Washington because of course I know better than anyone.
I kept looking and after getting the heeby-jeebies multiple times I decided it was a Giant House Spider – super common in Washington and, like the name suggests, comes into houses when it gets cold outside.
Now that I had identified my foe I set about trying to figure out a way to kill him. So, I hate killing bugs with a shoe because that means I have to get close to them and then they can run at me or jump on me and that’s terrifying.
So I grabbed my Swiffer sweeper and started trying to squish him with that. Unfortunately the Giant House Spider is the second fastest type of spider in the world, so he thought it would be a good idea to use that speed to run away from my Swiffer and toward me.
Then I decided maybe I could scare him down the drain and then run water to drown him, but every time I tried to bang around him with the sweeper he tried to run toward it.
Back to the drawing board.
I next decided I might be able to just run water in the bathtub and drown him this way. This was probably the dumbest idea I could have come up with. He’s a smart spider and he’s not going to let himself be drowned willingly. Right after I turned on the water he started scurrying (toward me I might add) so I ran out of the room.
That was dumb because not only is he not dead, I have now lost him. There’s a giant spider running loose and he knows I’m out to kill him. Also, the water is running and I don’t want to go in to turn it off for fear that he will leap on me from above.
I know, I’m dramatic.
So I used the vanity mirror to make sure he wasn’t anywhere in the vicinity of where I’d be walking and ran in to turn off the water but the spider was nowhere to be found. I decided I would be safer outside the bathroom, so I retreated to the door where I could watch to see if he tried to escape from the bathroom.
After five minutes of waiting he still hadn’t turned up, so I crept back into the bathroom and there he was, right where I first found him.
Drat. I needed a new plan.
I knew I had killed another spider in my apartment before that I didn’t squish and then I remembered…
PETA might hate me for this and my best friend said this was an awful way for him to die, but I proceeded to do the most adult thing I could think of: spray the spider with Febreze and hairspray until he died and then wash him down the drain.
That will teach spiders not to mess with me.