While my mom and I were in D.C. this summer we were eating at an Italian restaurant talking about so many different things and at one point she asked me if I felt comfortable talking about what actually happened with Arnold. I feel like I owe the same to y’all and honestly, I hope that if I write about it, it will be easier to be done with it.
So, it was July and his dad was in Kenya and he didn’t pay the phone bill before he left. So he let me know that he was pretty sure that his phone was going to be turned off and not to worry because we could talk on Facebook. It did get turned off and we talked on Facebook the first night and it was fine. Then he went radio silent. He went radio silent and something in me just knew that was it.
***Something you should know about me: my gut knows EVERYTHING. It’s insane. I mean obviously not everything, but there have been so many instances when things, good and bad, are about to happen and I guess them. It’s awesome.
So then three days later he calls me…
Me: Hey? That’s all you have to say? Do you still love me?
Me: Do you still want to be in this relationship?
Both: Super long pause…
Me: Do you need a break?
A: …I think so…
Me: Great, then you can have it but don’t ever talk to me again.
I know… Not my best moment. After that I blocked him everywhere and I thought I was going to start the process of getting over him. At one point I unblocked him and we started this period of going back and forth and telling each other we loved each other and we miss each other and we want to be together but it never lasts more than three days. He goes radio silent and it’s months before I hear from him again.
His timing is insane, though, and he has ruined any relationship I’ve been in since him. It’s madness.
There’s a lot of me that feels so much guilt about the breakup though. He was going through much and me, me who said I loved him with all of my heart, just let him go. In the midst of my hurt I cut him out of my life when he needed me. I didn’t fight for us, I didn’t fight for him.
So how am I any better than him? How am I without blame?
Yesterday, almost two years later I admitted to myself and it’s never going to happen. It’s never going to work.
When we first broke up I told my mom I was going to play the Blair and Chuck card until I could finally stand the fact that he was never coming back. That time is now. It may still hurt, but I can take it because I know I’m worth so much more.
The thing about Blair and Chuck is they had a time that they were going to be together. If they both accomplished their goals everything would be better.
What did Arnold and I have? The fact that we’re both “working on ourselves” and one day we would be together.
That’s so toxic for me.
What to know why?
Because I’m ready. I’m so damn ready.
I was saying I wanted to wait because I didn’t want to say something that would have pushed him away further. I don’t want to, though. I want to find the person I want to come home to every night. I want to find someone that I want to do life with forever. I want to find my person. I’m so ready. I’m emotionally ready, I’m financially ready, I’m just there. I’m not saying that because I’m like in middle school ready to make anyone “my man” but I know who I am.
However, thinking that person, the person who’s supposed to love me more than anyone on this Earth was the same one that couldn’t give me the time of day unless it was convenient for him wasn’t good for me. It hurt me almost every day. It’s not healthy.
So, that’s the down and dirty.
It’s done. Forever. And honestly?
That’s just part of it, though. I need to feel that. I need to hear it because that’s the only way to move forward. So for a while I’m going to cry and I’m going to have days (on the weekend) where I don’t want to get out of bed but you know what?
The most amazing thing about a phoenix is that it’s even more beautiful after it rises from the ashes.
Get ready to watch me rise from the ashes because I’m worth it.