I’m in such a weird mood tonight… So, there’s a part of me I tried to bury, kill, ignore, whatever I can do to get away from it I did but this week I basically learned/decided I can’t fight it.
That’s the part of me that is in love with the boy. We’re going to call him Artie from now on because I don’t know what other fake name to use and I don’t want to use real names.
So, I know if you’ve read my blog recently you’ve seen how back and forth I am. One night I’m done with him, two nights later I’m calling him with an anxiety attack. It’s basically giving me whiplash.
But, I’m seeing him this weekend. In three days I will see the love of my life for the first time in maybe two years and I’m terrified. I’m obviously so stoked but I feel like this is it. We either figure it out or we’re done and there’s no in between. Now, of course I don’t know any of this for sure but that’s the way I’m feeling.
Because I’m finally letting him back into my life I’m finally letting out some other things that I’ve tried to ignore for a while. There are quite a few songs that he showed me that have so much significance to me because they’re a part of the soundtrack of our relationship or because he jokingly sang one to me. There’s one song that he sang to me that basically says I’ll never find anyone like you, you’re beautiful and a bunch of other sappy stuff. Then another part of it says she says she’ll never hurt me, so one time when we were listening to it I turned to him and told him I promised I’d never hurt him.
WELL. Look how that went? I feel like such a liar and a fake for things like that, which honestly is so silly. We totally love each other but we’ve both done our fair share of messing up the other person’s life.
I don’t know.
So, all-in-all I feel weird. I love letting these parts of me back into my life because I’m in love with him and I love the person he encourages me to be but there’s a part of me that just wants to cry and cry for hours because I don’t think I gave myself time to adequately be sad in the beginning. I also know that if things don’t work out this weekend I’m going to be devastated and honestly that’s an understatement.
So, wish me luck. Send me good vibes and love vibes because I need them.