Like an addiction you can’t quite shake

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There is a scene in Scandal when Olivia says she should have known the reasons America wouldn’t fall in love with Fitz but she missed them because she was/is so totally in love with him.

I think that’s the way I feel.

About a week ago I finally said to myself that he’s not the one. I said he’s not the one and I decided it was time to move on. Tonight? I called him and he picked up. Damn him. I call 400 million times and he doesn’t answer but tonight he picked up twice after I hung up on him the first time.

So now I’m left with wondering if he’s the one and I honestly don’t know. I’m so incredibly head-over-heels for him that I WANT him to be the one but I just don’t know if he is.

When we talk, when we finally connect again, I wonder how I could ever even imagine that there is someone out there who fits me and suits me better than he does. I wonder how someone can learn my quirks and respond to them any better. I wonder how there can be another person in the world whose very voice calms me.

I wonder how there can be someone else in the world who loves me for every dumb, weird quirky thing about me. I wonder how there can be someone else in the world who is so perfectly fit for me.

I wonder…

But then I get off the phone and I snap back into reality and I wonder how many days until he’s gone again this time. I wonder if I’ll get frustrated and give up again or will I wait around like some dumb school girl.

He loves me. He loves me with all of his heart and that I know for sure.

Every time we talk he asks if I want to marry him. Every time he tells me he wants to marry me. Every time he asks I say something along the lines of “Yes you idiot. I don’t understand why you keep asking. You know all I want is to marry you.”

He makes me feel so powerful and powerless but it’s the only time I like feeling like I want a man to take care of me.

I just don’t know what to do.

I want him to be the one. I want it with every fiber of my being.

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