If you’re been following my posts for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve been having quite a bit of anxiety recently. I don’t know what it is that is bringing all my issues to a head, but there’s something out there that is making me just a little crazy.
Every little thing seems to freak me out on the inside and, honestly, it’s really hard to deal with that.
So, this past Thursday night I had what seemed like a tough day. For an undisclosed reason (because I try not to give TOO much away about my work) I felt like what I was doing wasn’t substantial or good enough. I basically felt like a little kid playing journalist.
But I know in my head I do good work.
Sure, I’m 21 and this is my first job that I’ve only had for like 5.5 months now, but all things considered I think I’m doing pretty good! I’m a realist and I know there are A LOT of things I can and need to get better at, but all-in-all I’m doing a pretty good job.
So, on Thursday I gave myself a break. I really don’t know how I did it, so we’re going to work on being aware enough that I know what I’m doing and can replicate it, but I made a choice that the issues weren’t going to bug me. They weren’t going to get to me because I know that I did my best.
While my best needs some work (like I admitted at the top) I have nothing to feel BAD about because I’m not making any mistakes on purpose.
That’s a tough pill to swallow.
But it actually worked! I had peace Thursday night, I went to sleep and I woke up the next morning with the outlook I had the first couple weeks here in Washington. I was pumped to go to my job and see what I could do the next day. It was awesome!
Then I had some more choices to make…
Saturday was hard. There were just a lot of things welling up inside of me that led to me hysterically crying on the phone to my best friend the night before, hysterically crying to my papa Saturday morning and then doing it again to my mom that afternoon.
There is a lot of me that has felt trapped in this recent season of pain and negative emotions and sometimes it just gets to me and I cry and cry and it’s awful. I honestly hate going about life and not being able to not cry. It sucks.
So on Saturday on the phone with my mom I got pretty upset with her because I haven’t told her what’s wrong and as a result she hasn’t made time because she doesn’t know. Totally not her fault. I got super awkward and hung up and we ended up texting about a lot of my issues and her thoughts.
Then I decided I needed to make a choice to feel a little bit better. I needed a new perspective.
So I drove to the scenic lookout that I’ve been wanting to go to for weeks and that’s what I saw. Mount Baker and Mount Rainier were out in all their beautiful glory and the sun was shining on all the icy snow and it was great.
The air was crisp and it was the kind of lonely that feels good. Looking out into the valley at at the mountains made me feel alone but so very safe and a part of something. It made me stop thinking about what was going on in my head and just enjoy feeling detached and above everything for just a second.
Ugh. It was great.
So, my advice to you (and to myself)… if you’re ever in one of those places where you feel like all you can see and feel is sadness, change your perspective.
For me, that means go for a drive or go to this new place that I’ve found. Clear your head and get out of your head. It brings peace for even just a second.
How do you change your perspective?
Here are a couple other photos from my time at the lookout. I know all of my photography professors told me to never take a picture of the sun because it blows out your photos and looks awful, but I think all three of these pictures are just gorgeous. What do you think?